Ass-Out Hugs

FYI I'm going to attempt to update my blog with a weekly post every Saturday - wish me luck and smooth sailing :). Before you enter the realm of my second post I would like to introduce my topic with a clip from "Wedding Crashers"...

Title: Forced, Awkward, Intimate Situations People like to Call Dating - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tgS1n7DQbY

The point behind blogging is to put it ALL out there, correct? After moving from Atlanta to Raleigh I made myself the promise that I would try online dating, and Match.com has never been the same since. Note: I did not take advantage of this online resource in Atlanta because I like my men in any footwear besides Nike Air Force Ones and men who avoid night spots such as the Velvet Room frequented by the likes of Ludacris and P Diddy or whatever the hell he’s calling himself these days.

Back to online dating…people tend to be real discreet about it or downright dishonest but I think this is horse shit. I’m disinterested in someone the moment he asks, “So…how do I tell my friends we met?” If you’re going to take the leap of creating an online dating profile of yourself you have to own it – no ifs, ands or buts about it. Maybe I own it too much but I’m confident in the fact that whoever has the opportunity to go out on date with me, regardless of whether or not it started on the internet, is a damn lucky guy. Why else would you create an online profile browsed by hundreds of singles in your area?

While hundreds of singles do indeed partake in online dating, there are plenty of Match.com peeps that post pictures that seem to have been taken a decade ago. So when you meet them out, you’re still looking over his shoulders thinking to yourself, “Where is he?”, when the next thing you know the person right in front of you says, “Hi, my name is…”, and then you proceed to bullshit by saying, “Oh gosh! How did I miss you, you were right there in front of me!” When in all actuality you’re thinking, “Holy shit! You look nothing like your pictures,” which you would obviously never say out loud because you have to endure at least another hour with this guy who, unlike the guy in the picture – the guy that you agreed to go on a date with, is bald and a plus twenty lbs. I have no idea why these people post misleading pictures to begin with. The whole point behind online dating is to eventually date people, in-person, so sooner or later he or she is going to figure out that you’re not the weight listed on your driver’s license. My advice, avoid the awkwardness and be real and upfront!

Another perk about owning the fact that you’re partaking in online dating is the hilarious, crazy ass stories that come out of first date scenarios. Stories that I gladly share with family, friends, coworkers, etc. (Hopefully, my first date count won’t dramatically drop after this post). Unlike agreeing to go out on a first date with someone that you’ve at last spent some time around, a first date with someone you’ve only emailed back and forth with can turn left quickly.

For instance, I was on a first date with what seemed to be like a nice, normal guy at this great sushi restaurant. Everything was going smoothly until our waitress brought our check. A girl always dreads this part of the date anyways because you don’t want to offend the guy by offering and sending the message – well, you obviously don’t make enough to pick up the tab for two - or by not offering and sending the message – listen here, wining and dining is what I expect from here on out. While I debated which message to send, he fumbled around under the table with what sounded like coupons, so of course I offered to pay my half because in my mind I thought, “Wow, this guy has been clipping coupons on the weekends in order to make this happen!” But to my surprise he muttered, “Nah, I got it,” but continued to fumble with God knows what.

All of a sudden he looked up and exclaimed, “Crap! I forgot to put my rattlesnake eggs in the refrigerator.” I smiled and nodded in hopes of disguising my inner dialogue of, “Great Megan, you would pick the one whack job that breeds rattlesnakes in his freaking basement!” After composing myself I responded with, “Rattlesnakes, huh?” He got this spark in his eye and handed over the table an envelope with a printed image of a snake. “You should really take a look they’re much smaller than what you would think.” I bit my tongue and held back what I really wanted to say - “Well Mr. Bill Nye, I’ve never spent much time debating how big rattlesnake eggs are.”

The well-mannered lady that I am (just go with me on this one), responded with, “No thank you, I’m not big on snakes.” To my dismay, freak show across the table insisted, so in order to get to my car much sooner than planned and get the hell out of there, I nervously took the envelope and peered in with one eye closed and at a safe distance from the soon to be live rattlesnakes. Before I could process what was happening I heard this rattling sound and all of a sudden a very loud POP! I screamed and jumped out of my seat. By the time I was able to calm down I looked up to see half the restaurant staring at me with an amused look. The “gentleman” across the table from me was laughing his ass off saying he had purchased this prank at the airport and repeatedly asking “Isn’t it great?!”

Fast forward to the end of the date, he didn’t even get an ass-out hug from me but instead a firm handshake right before I got in my car and drove off before any mention of a dreaded second date occurred. I immediately called my mom on the ride home to tell her this ridiculous story. As soon as she was able to stop laughing she gave me some spot-on advice which she usually does more times than less: “Meg, at least you’re out there dating and meeting new guys. That’s how you find the right one.”

Unfortunately, dating is a lost art when it comes to our generation. I mean we practically invented the concept of “group dating” and in college we were more likely to spend the night with the opposite sex than to be seen grabbing lunch together in broad daylight. The bottom line is the only way we’re going to figure out for sure what qualities we want in a partner is through trial and error, with errors outnumbering successes by a landslide. So until I find that guy that puts up with my stubbornness, independence to a fault, inability to keep my phone charged and my family that’s tuned into every detail of my life, I’ll keep subjecting myself to bad but hilarious first dates in order to get to the good one. Between now and then, I’ll be content with having better stories than your latest mastered casserole…